My bicycle's a right-off, a twisted, battered wreck.

While I'm in bed in hospital with plaster to my neck.

I was leading in a road race, ahead by half a mile,

swooping down this hillside in truly classic style.

The crowd was out cheering, the road ahead was clear,

when suddenly before me a man and pig appear.

I missed the man by inches but hit the pig full square,

the bike got left behind me as I whistled through the air.

I'm told I wrecked the finish, destroyed the town brass band.

I hit the Mayor and party, and finished in the stand

The television loved it, they had it live on air.

They charged me in " in absentis " for riding with out care.

The pig just got a caution, for stepping out of line.

Whilst I, in bed in plaster, got a truely whopping fine.

Les Wilkie